12:20 pm - Ive fallen down so i'll rise above this...

My Hearts Regret


Four walls are all this heart sees,

sitting in silence,

squandering in fear,

the years passed as I nimbly hid in this box of safety.

Have I ended it?

Have I cried my last tear?

Or am I still denying that I loved you so that I could wallow in my vanity?

The demon of greed is a fowl ally to hold near,

yet I continue in spite of all we held.

Time has gone,

and all I hold near is this doleful heart.

Confidence ended the day I denied you,

and my happiness faded away after greed took over me.

Its all my fault that I lost you,

I tossed around your weakened heart,

and stole your pride.

I didn't understand,

but now I do.

I denied you only because it was hard for me to say 'I love you too.'

Please understand my soul is still learning to love,

and be loved in return.

So, in this box of safety I sit,

and pray that you will forgive me,

for what my heart regrets.

7/11/08

Current Mood: blah

12:17 pm - If i gave you the truth would it keep you alive....

Home


I feel a cool breeze on my face that sends shivers down my back. I smell the night, the absolute darkness that surrounds me. I am blinded by the night, so fear overwhelms me.


Sliding one toe after another, steps are too challenging right now. I'm blind as a bat and prone to trip on the smallest blade of grass or piece of rock. My balance is off, I have nothing to support me, and nothing will allow me the pleasure of seeing where I am heading.


Will I fall off a cliff, or maybe into a rushing river? These questions will remain unanswered. For now I must trust in he who guides me and pray that I have made a good choice.


I'm lost and confused, and my heart is full of pain. My mind has betrayed me, telling me I will die. Will this darkness continue to the point where my heart can no longer take it and fade away, leaving my mind and body behind to take the beating form this night?


My steps become steady, and my pace smoother. I glide along with the force controlling my body. Like a puppet on a string, I dance left and right. Sudden shock envelops me as my body stiffens like a stone when the darkness, which has covered me, preventing me from seeing the truth, is snatched away.


Blinded by the light, I squint my eyes until the fuzzy image I am looking at is clear. A tall man stands by me. His hair so perfect, it feels so soft without even touching it. His eyes so beautiful it's like looking into an ocean of diamonds. I take a moment to observe my surroundings. I'm in a place so beautiful words can barely describe. They sky looks like night with the moon and stars colliding making it glitter oh, so brightly like day. The ground so soft and smooth, it's like being on clouds. I look further. Perfect trees standing tall in the ground, no broken branches, or tattered bark. I continue my observation to see animals of every kind peacefully resting on the cloud-like ground.


In two seconds my mind comes to a conclusion of where I might be. Heaven! But how, my mind wonders. I don't understand so my mind goes wild trying to figure out how while my soul is at peace, for I have lived a long and hard life, and now I am where I need to be.


I am home!

7/12/08

09:28 pm - Your bottles' almost empty You know this can't go on

Oh my gosh. Lately things have been shit for me (figuratively speaking). My grade in math and art dropped from an A to a B which really pisses me off because I know I can do better. I think I am just getting too tired with all the things I have going on to even get my grades up. Plus the end of my junior year is creeping up on me like a hairy venomous spider. I hope I don't get too lazy for my senior year though because that is my most important year.

Yesterday, I was really getting pissed off at my mom (LINDA---The Monster) because she is a control feakis self centered bitch who doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself and what she wants. Man if you had the faintest idea what she was like you would be running away screaming. I think my patients for her are running very thin now. for the past 6 some years, ever since I moved back in with my dad, I have been trying to see if she really can change and to see if there really is hope for her. After what happened yesterday, I don't think there is. She was arguing with me on the phone about my vocabulary--which i obviously have a better one then her. Yeah, I called her a pessimist because she always thinks so negatively. She actually tried to tell me that that was coming form dad because dad was always the one to throw big words at her. Like that is really an insult. I am happy I am more like my dad then the monster. Its like she is telling me "Why can you be stupid and selfish like me?" Ha yeah right. I am really getting sick of her shenanigans and all her bull shit she brings to me every time i see her. I am her last link to the kids as what dad said, and I don't think I am going to be around her for very much longer. I think someday soon I am going to explode on her and make her realize I was only around her to make her believe I still cared for her. My love for her had ran to its last drop, and once that drop falls, there will be no more. Why should I love here anyways, she never contributed anything to Lili, Heather or my existence. She is just an egg donner according to Lilis words. She has no meaning. She will have no meaning. An you know, I think she really loves to act too. Because when we are at church and with other people she acts like the nicest person, but once we are in private all hell breaks lose. Damn, I wish I would have ran out of Patienceearlier so I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit going on in my head.

So, After that little episode... I went to Gulnaz's "Good-Bye" Party yesterday. She is going back to Her home country in Europe to finish school stuff. I wish she could have stayed longer I was just bearly getting to know her. Yes, its sad she is leaving, but its also kind of good to. Like its the right time for her to go because of family stuff and school. I told her I would write her every month, which I will. She is my favorite exchange student.

Summer is coming close woo! That means Creation Fest. I am so stoked!

Current Mood: bitchy

04:25 pm - We Speak in Different voices------- Though Week!!

Man it seems like lately everything I do is wrong and everything I saw comes out the wrong way! Whats wrong with me? I just dont understand. Then there are all these other little things that are really making me boil inside.

To start, My little sister is being a pain in the ass like she always is- horrasing me and making me feel even worse about myself. Gr, she really makes me angry. Then my older sister is mad at me because she thinks i take her for granted. I'm sorry if it may seem that way but I really don't. I suppose I should start really truly try not to depend so much on lili any more. I'll be on my own now. Even though it may be difficulte i will do it.

Then there is still a little convorsation running through my head that me and my cusin had. The convo consisted of the fact that i live in a bubble. What? How is that? I am everywhere in life. I have a job, volunteering and school! How do i live in a bubble? Then i thought well maybe she means i live in a bubble because I'm always doing stuff for me and getting stuff for me. I thought "You know I really am like that alot. Its always me me me." Well Not anymore. Although I'm not very social and don't have many friends, I can still focus on others for once insted of just me.

Ok so I know that you probably have heard enough about me but there is just one more thing I want to say! I am pretty ticked! Why? You ask, well let me tell you:
At my school there is an hornor thing for kids. Its not like honors societ it is better. It is something that honors the top 10% of the sophmore junior and senior classes. Well for my class, my best friend go in the top 10%,which really ticked me off because she cheats in all her classes. I should have gotten that award. I worked me ass off to get the grades I have and I get nothing in return. I guess dad is right. Because I am a person of faith stuff like that is going to happen because who controlls the world? The Devil. He wants to make it so hard for us people of faith that we just want to give up. But you know I wont. Even though its just a stupid award I know i will get over it. I know I did my best in my classes and I know that that other person didn't. Like dad said. Like is going to be though for theose of faith but for those who have no faith life will be easy.

Oh,how I hate this horrid place. But, I know if i don't give up it will all get better and easier for me!

Thanks for listening to my ranting I just really needed to get it out!
<33Carolyn

Current Mood: grumpy

11:20 pm - Calling All Icon Makers

I Am a beginer and i was wondering if anyone had some good tutorials for me to use??

07:59 pm - And i'm not ok until there is nothing left...

More First time icons!!!

Current Mood: aggravated

07:44 pm - Erace Everything...

First Time Icons! WOOOO!!!
 




 

Current Mood: aggravated

12:34 am

Fly Away
Give me your light
To walk in the night
Away form all my hate
Towards my chosen fate
Waiting at your door
To be used
Never again sore
Or abused

Give me this life
Destroy all me strife
Get rid of my fright
And give me your divine grace
So I can walk in your truth
And find your face

Give me the strength to spread my wings in your love
And fly away with the dove
To your place of peace
Where all my pains may cease.
02/08/08

Current Mood: blah

12:33 am - Compassionate Friend

Compassionate Friend

She bent down to hug her friend and whisper in her ear, "I’m here for you when your ready to talk."

"Why? I have been so unfair to you!" her friend replied with remorse and a bit of shame present on her face.

She looked at her friend with compassionate eyes and kindly said, "I know, but I’m not going to give up on you! I’ll keep fighting until you see the truth."

Her friend chuckled- "You’ll fight? What are you fighting?"

"The lie that has consumed you. That’s what I’m fighting." Looking down on her friend with a worried look, she smiled and bent down to hug her one last time.

3/21/08

12:30 am - My Fate

My Fate
My fate is my own.
the seeds i've been shown.
My won't and my will,
guides me to fulfil,
the grace that's within me,
and the love in my soul helps me be
the positive friend
just around the bend.
This fate is my own,
and now you'll never be alone,
because by this grace,
I have seen His face.
To you, a friend,
He told me to amend
your soul, so fragile
and to help you reconcile
His wonderful promis
forever, untill bliss.
Understanding my fate
will help you get to the Gate,
and for me,
I can't wait to see
the day when all is peace,
and suffering may cease.
4/08/08

Current Mood: cynical